So I’m laying here nursing my new two month old baby, scrolling the internet’s looking for various jobs and hustles, ways to network and just make money for myself and perhaps help other women as well.
I guess you could say I probably been bullshitting for quite a while waffling in between depression and motivation trying to find what works for me. In-between all that, raising kids, cleaning, trying to stay afloat, splitting welfare benefits, wondering what I will be next year or the year after. Tired of Dreaming floating in between your heart and your head and what you should and shouldn’t do who’s watching who will support will you have the energy to continue going on so many things going on in my mind. And while doing that, I could have just been sitting here logging on my own website, trying to monotonize, spread the word, gain followers, share some love, share some encouragement with other women! What have I been thinking!?
I’ll tell you what I’ve been thinking. I was doubting myself, coming up with a lot of ideas, yet never getting them out there getting them out there. I didn’t write I didn’t write enough down.
Now, I can never forget many of my ideas, however, them staying in my head however them staying in my head thanks to grow thanks to grow. It helps to thanks to grow. It helps to write things so that I can get the first steps out, and once those ideas are out I have space and once those ideas, are out, I have space to think of the next steps. Kind of hard to grow your idea when you keep your ideas inside your head, whatever they are.
Well, I’ve chucked that to the side! I’ve be been writing again, meditating, learning to put me first. Even putting me first is hard. I’ve been so used to catering to my kids, doting on my friends, trying to be that resource for everybody, except myself; congratulating and pushing my friends, not getting the support I NEED… Sometimes you need more than “hey, how are you.”
Sometimes you need what you give. And I have been giving that to myself. Been learning to ignore that learned guilt I’ve harbored growing up, the guilt that made me feel like I had to work hard to be accepted, or loved. Which probably is why I kept on the way I have for years! (Doing some real live unpacking right now) I’m unpacking that which was placed ON ME. I didn’t ask for to be raised opposite of what I needed. Can’t be raised a free spirit in a restricted environment.
Even now, I just had a baby, but people are still leaning on me as if I can’t have time for myself, as if I don’t have my own shit in my head that I need to sort out. But I won’t give a tantrum. Because only I’m responsible for my feelings, and how I react and respond to things. So I have resolved to isolate to heal. Isolate to reflect, remember, find a new path to travel, cuz the old path is worn down.
I want to be completely and unapologetically. I THOUGHT I was. But there are different levels to this shit. And by golly I’m taking myself HIGHER. Thats where I belong! I deserve solid footing, peace thru anything, finances on fleek, options galore!! Don’t short your future because of your past! Dont settle for “get by” shit. You owe it to yourself to have a sure footing; not to just float. You owe no-one an exolanation; only to yourself as to why u stopped moving. Figure that out of; better yet, doesn’t even matter why! Just pick it up, and keep going as if you never stopped. Get your second wind in life! Love on yo brown self and take whats owed to you! God has too much to give you. OPEN YOUR HAND AND RECEIVE IT!
Do yourself justice. Love, heal, create, breathe..love you sis. You only owe YOU your BEST: BEST life, love, money, and respect.
Let your mantra be: “don’t stop, get it get it”🙌🏿🙌🏿😂
Her Twitter: Shenelle Porter (@shenelleporter): https://twitter.com/shenelleporter?s=09