I wanted to take a nap the other day. Laid down and mind kept rolling. I guess that’s when my subconscience likes to bother me. My heart was heavy. My mind was fuckin’ with me big time, but I was determined to take a nap! My mind flashes to bad times, stuff I needed to acknowledge forgive. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with it; not immediately.
But this particular cleansing led me to one phrase…a conclusion of sorts.. ” abuse in childhood led to abusive relationships”.
My mind quickly broke down times moments connections reasons.. And i cried. But it felt good. Like that was the quickest shadow work I’ve ever done . it felt like I could go up now a little more. Along with, ” stop trying to go back to who you used to be” I could never! Ive had so many experiences in between experiences and they all make you who you are. You can choose the direction, how you feel even. But it all can make or break You. Only you can decide. I decided to make my own path. Like for real. I havent been an adult that long anyways, so I think I’m making good strides. Kind of on time, personally. I wanted to have a certain level of growth by certain time. I thought I was knocked off my path. But God knows my heart.
Also while thinking of the need to call my soul friend( one of the yangs to my yin), I thought of all the times, I felt the need to do the unpacking I’m trying to do… The thought to the very beginning of my first child and that which I was searching for, acceptance love approval adoration for who i knew i was. I didn’t go home after I first got pregnant. Im reminded of how I felt and the reasons why. That alone should have solidified me and breaking free. It broke a whole new floor on the way up ! I have never felt better about my ability to grow and break through. Never thought I would be here, but I’m glad I never attempted suicide(and I have been suicidal) or I never would have seem the light in what I could do or be. The encouragement and support I have! Sometimes you have to stop wallowing; its being selfish to yourself essentially. Everyone else harmed is a casualty. Do what you have to do, for you! I implore you! I feel like I can even have better relationships. With friends and lovers. I don’t have to be complacent like I was before. I do a lot of bending over backwards in ways people don’t know. Most of the time, it’s more harmful to myself, while being accommodating. And half the time unnecessary. I’ve learned that I can only be accountable for myself, and for my kids, a limited time.
I’m now ready to do everything I have been thinking about! Create art, comedy, be prosperous and LIVE. I don’t want to just exist. This type of liberation for me will even help me write more and better! I’ve been living in my head, holding myself back. And For what?! I will thrive and be free doing and being me, unapologetically. NO-ONE is going to check me on it! I love me and you need to love you! The time is now! While you’re thinking about change, you can be making it.
Well, I’m finished now, gon and be great! See you at the top!!