Take care of you!

2020 has been one hell of a year! I’m sure all of us have felt our different pressures, triumphs and everything else in between. I hope you all have been well. Continue to push forward with your dreams and endeavors, and don’t beat yourself up about anything. I’m talking to myself as well! I’ve had different highs and lows, but through it all, we must remember to take care of ourselves because we have to continue pushing on to the next day. We owe growing to ourselves first, then your kids, if you have any. That’s it. You dont owe anybody else.

Whatever self care is to you, do it. It can be getting your nails done, a whole spa treatment if you want. Or maybe going to the gun range. Feeding homeless, cleaning; your mess or someone else’s, do what clears your mind. Dwelling on so much at one time can be stressful, and daunting; on top of just existing as a black woman in America. And I personally am an empath, still doing personal mental and emotional work to undo years of damage and stacked on traumas. That’s self care to the highest! ( I’m doing fine, btw πŸ˜‰)

Remember to take a break from social media. Make yourself busy with things you have neglected. For me, it’s my site. I keep things in my head, ADHD kicks in, anxiety stifles you, and it’s a cycle. But I’m breaking out. Having animals help. Tending to that talent you know you have but neglected. If your mind is pushing you to something you keep putting off, GO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Remember to mask up, covid has gone nowhereeee!!! Stay safe in these streets from .. well everything. Focus on you and your house. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Be ok with losing people as well. It’s a hard journey sometimes. But personal health is a must. Why spend your only life thinking of others ‘impending’ judgment? They’re probably hating or not thinking about you anyway. Toxicity will always rear its head; You’ll know what to do.. listen to your body, and also make sure it’s not you. Humble has many forms.

Claim your peace for the rest of 2020, and fear up for 2021! Continue to heal and gear up for your next level of greatness!!

Wrong mirror

Real quick,

I want to speak on perception. When you’re not self-aware, your perception can be skewed. When you are not emotionally balanced your perception can be skewed. So, you have to be able to do both of those; to have at least a 70% unbiased attitude or perception towards anything that you deal with; pick your battles, so to speak. Tough pill to swallow. But when you learn to be accountable for yourself, as you want to hold other people to be, then it kind of gets easier. Gets you in a humbled position; makes you reinvent yourself. A better you. Get through that pain and self-loathing caterpillar stage, to the new smooth moving, everything with a purpose butterfly. If you can answer why, then it can’t fly. I just made that up, but you feel me?!

You will shock yourself with your new-found peace and the new way you move knowing you are ok with what you can’t control. Hell, is it bothering you? Don’t tell me, ask yourself that! Ask yourself questions, so that you’re aware of yourself. Look in your mirror. The new one is the right one. The old unknowing, blame everyone else for everything is the wrong mirror. This right mirror will even challenged your relationships. It’s that deep. But doing the work is so rewarding. It’s cleansing. It’s resolving. It’s pure freedom.

My breakthrough

I wanted to take a nap the other day. Laid down and mind kept rolling. I guess that’s when my subconscience likes to bother me. My heart was heavy. My mind was fuckin’ with me big time, but I was determined to take a nap! My mind flashes to bad times, stuff I needed to acknowledge forgive. Sometimes, I don’t know what to do with it; not immediately.

But this particular cleansing led me to one phrase…a conclusion of sorts.. ” abuse in childhood led to abusive relationships”.

My mind quickly broke down times moments connections reasons.. And i cried. But it felt good. Like that was the quickest shadow work I’ve ever done . it felt like I could go up now a little more. Along with, ” stop trying to go back to who you used to be” I could never! Ive had so many experiences in between experiences and they all make you who you are. You can choose the direction, how you feel even. But it all can make or break You. Only you can decide. I decided to make my own path. Like for real. I havent been an adult that long anyways, so I think I’m making good strides. Kind of on time, personally. I wanted to have a certain level of growth by certain time. I thought I was knocked off my path. But God knows my heart.

Also while thinking of the need to call my soul friend( one of the yangs to my yin),Β  I thought of all the times, I felt the need to do the unpacking I’m trying to do… The thought to the very beginning of my first child and that which I was searching for, acceptance love approval adoration for who i knew i was. I didn’t go home after I first got pregnant. Im reminded of how I felt and the reasons why. That alone should have solidified me and breaking free. It broke a whole new floor on the way up ! I have never felt better about my ability to grow and break through. Never thought I would be here, but I’m glad I never attempted suicide(and I have been suicidal) or I never would have seem the light in what I could do or be. The encouragement and support I have! Sometimes you have to stop wallowing; its being selfish to yourself essentially. Everyone else harmed is a casualty. Do what you have to do, for you! I implore you! I feel like I can even have better relationships. With friends and lovers. I don’t have to be complacent like I was before. I do a lot of bending over backwards in ways people don’t know. Most of the time, it’s more harmful to myself, while being accommodating. And half the time unnecessary. I’ve learned that I can only be accountable for myself, and for my kids, a limited time.

I’m now ready to do everything I have been thinking about! Create art, comedy, be prosperous and LIVE. I don’t want to just exist. This type of liberation for me will even help me write more and better! I’ve been living in my head, holding myself back. And For what?! I will thrive and be free doing and being me, unapologetically. NO-ONE is going to check me on it! I love me and you need to love you! The time is now! While you’re thinking about change, you can be making it.

Well, I’m finished now, gon and be great! See you at the top!!


Tired of Floating?!

So I’m laying here nursing my new two month old baby, scrolling the internet’s looking for various jobs and hustles, ways to network and just make money for myself and perhaps help other women as well.

I guess you could say I probably been bullshitting for quite a while waffling in between depression and motivation trying to find what works for me. In-between all that, raising kids, cleaning, trying to stay afloat, splitting welfare benefits, wondering what I will be next year or the year after. Tired of Dreaming floating in between your heart and your head and what you should and shouldn’t do who’s watching who will support will you have the energy to continue going on so many things going on in my mind. And while doing that, I could have just been sitting here logging on my own website, trying to monotonize, spread the word, gain followers, share some love, share some encouragement with other women! What have I been thinking!?

I’ll tell you what I’ve been thinking. I was doubting myself, coming up with a lot of ideas, yet never getting them out there getting them out there. I didn’t write I didn’t write enough down.

Now, I can never forget many of my ideas, however, them staying in my head however them staying in my head thanks to grow thanks to grow. It helps to thanks to grow. It helps to write things so that I can get the first steps out, and once those ideas are out I have space and once those ideas, are out, I have space to think of the next steps. Kind of hard to grow your idea when you keep your ideas inside your head, whatever they are.

Well, I’ve chucked that to the side! I’ve be been writing again, meditating, learning to put me first. Even putting me first is hard. I’ve been so used to catering to my kids, doting on my friends, trying to be that resource for everybody, except myself; congratulating and pushing my friends, not getting the support I NEED… Sometimes you need more than “hey, how are you.”

Sometimes you need what you give. And I have been giving that to myself. Been learning to ignore that learned guilt I’ve harbored growing up, the guilt that made me feel like I had to work hard to be accepted, or loved. Which probably is why I kept on the way I have for years! (Doing some real live unpacking right now) I’m unpacking that which was placed ON ME. I didn’t ask for to be raised opposite of what I needed. Can’t be raised a free spirit in a restricted environment.

Even now, I just had a baby, but people are still leaning on me as if I can’t have time for myself, as if I don’t have my own shit in my head that I need to sort out. But I won’t give a tantrum. Because only I’m responsible for my feelings, and how I react and respond to things. So I have resolved to isolate to heal. Isolate to reflect, remember, find a new path to travel, cuz the old path is worn down.

I want to be completely and unapologetically. I THOUGHT I was. But there are different levels to this shit. And by golly I’m taking myself HIGHER. Thats where I belong! I deserve solid footing, peace thru anything, finances on fleek, options galore!! Don’t short your future because of your past! Dont settle for “get by” shit. You owe it to yourself to have a sure footing; not to just float. You owe no-one an exolanation; only to yourself as to why u stopped moving. Figure that out of; better yet, doesn’t even matter why! Just pick it up, and keep going as if you never stopped. Get your second wind in life! Love on yo brown self and take whats owed to you! God has too much to give you. OPEN YOUR HAND AND RECEIVE IT!

Do yourself justice. Love, heal, create, breathe..love you sis. You only owe YOU your BEST: BEST life, love, money, and respect.

Let your mantra be: “don’t stop, get it get it”πŸ™ŒπŸΏπŸ™ŒπŸΏπŸ˜‚


Pic source: https://www.instagram.com/p/B3aWl6HB7jh/?igshid=19zqfk59sqwfz

Her Twitter: Shenelle Porter (@shenelleporter): https://twitter.com/shenelleporter?s=09

Fuck it all

How many times have you said fuck it fuck it all?

How many times have you wanted to throw in the towel, frustrated to the highest level of frustration, with nowhere to turn; your brain is fried and you can’t figure out what you need to do next, depressed, you don’t feel like doing anything, the bed is your best friend you can’t even be creative anymore. You can’t remember what you used to know to help you out of this funk.

This is me. I also learned that certain mental states can effect your memory; so there’s that.

Ain’t that messed up?? So basically while you’re trying to heal and recuperate, bounce back, get back to yourself, you’re playing catch up all the time! At least til you become self aware enough to stop things at a certain point.

To all of this I say.. Fuck it. Why try right? Why go on?

Well, cuz you gotta. But say fuck it to the extent that you’re not going to stress yourself out. That you’re going to forgive yourself, not beat yourself up. Who is clocking you but you? Whos opinion matters but yours? Absolutely no-one. Like literally. You go in the casket or urn ALONE. Derailing your life for who and why? Fuck it! Do what you can for TODAY. Deal with tomorrow.. Tomorrow! Fuck whoever didn’t see the awesome in you! Fuck who was riding, only as long as you were supplying. Fuck who didn’t check on you when you were at your lowest, and people KNEW that you were in a vulnerable state. Deal with your supporters. Your spiritual beliefs. Find your strength inside of you. IT GOT YOU THIS FAR! You can do it!