Set The tone!

Good evening Ladies ( and gentlemen) and welcome to SET THE TONE!! The game show where u decide how your life goes by categorizing your friends! Today we have various categories already labeled, but feel free to alter the titles based on your situation! Ok, here we go!

First thing to be remembered is that you have strangers, associates, acquaintance, friends, best friends, and family. Alright! Now lets get them in their places!!

First you have people that you don’t know or don’t know very well at all. Guess what?! They matter the least! So they go at the very bottom.

Then you have your associates. These are people that you know, they cool and all, but you not about to spill all ya life secrets and what not. Maybe they’re a coworker, that same person you see on the bus, morning run, store, fellow parent or whatever. They might clearly be for networking, not for soul bearing. They’re probably good for a tip or something. Do not put your heart and soul in these temporary people.

Acquaintances. These are the people that either stay where they are or they get promoted to being your friend, I mean really on the team! You’re well acquainted enough to trust them in, maybe social settings, but not enough to hold money for you. (Although most people in general won’t, lol)

Then you have you FRIENDS. Like your day ones, your aces,  got your back you can tell them anything, Your besties, your day ones, your aces. You can  borrow money and go on trips, swap kids, stay with each other, families get along well, etc.

NOW. One thing to remember is this; you can demote and promote friends in your head based on performance or where your relationship is. “THAT IS WRONG AND RUDE!” You say. No its not. You have the right to govern yourself and your feelings. If noone evaluates you who will? Also communicate with your friends. that way everyone is on the same page. Real friends keep abreast of their friendship anyway. No surprises of character change.

 

Maintaining healthy relationships is vital to your life, your village. Everyone needs an outlet, at least ONE human to connect with, outside of family. It helps you grow with healthy influences surrounding you. Be what you want around you. Love yo brown self. You deserve it.

Force field!

Let’s talk about bad energy, toxicity, character and personality defects. What about it you say? Well, simply put, if somebody makes you feel anything other than your best self, encouraging, supportive, understanding, empathetic. This applies to anyone! Family, friends, coworkers, anyone!

A lot of times peoples relationships are so imbalanced and don’t even understand why or can even recognize it. Unequally yoked can apply to most things in life, not just religiously. You can be in it to win it, and the other person in it to survive. There are some people that are so needy, its a way of life. They don’t even realize they hurt people; well some don’t. The rest know exactly what they’re doing. But some people choose not to address their demons.

For example, a parent can know because they’re your parent that you will bend over backwards and deflect any complaint or logical need expressed to self preserve. Instead they make it all about themselves. They like control because they have had it for so long and have no created a lane for themselves, separate from their children or even spouse. That’s why its important for people to remember that life , people needs and situations change and you have to flow with the change. You can’t live your life through another. And guess what else. Its OK TO LET GO OF YOUR PARENT. Sometimes you have to learn to love from afar. Love them for the position they hold in your life, but you are not obligated to deal with someone else trash. You can love someone while they sort their mess and even offer advice. But guess what. Even conjoined twins aren’t the same. You cannot help someone sort through their mess. People don’t even always tell therapists everything, so do you think they will say “this is why i act like this and that”? Not at all. At the end of the day everyone is an individual and have they’re own life. I shouldn’t have to speak on significant others but i will. You don’t have to deal with someone just because you have put in time or have children. What does time mean? Nothing at all. You don’t continue to invest money on a stock that continues to drop with no progress do you? You don’t keep those favorite shoes after the heel broke do you? You eventually get rid of that first couch can’t you? YES YES YES YES! So Ima tell you what your problem is.

Your problem is that you’re holding on to that first spark. That honeymoon phase. Those butterflies that done been got eaten by a bird. Those tingles that have dulled. RELATIONSHIPS ARE WORK. But it takes TWO. So if its just you putting in work and the other person blatantly doesn’t care? Its your move. You cant rekindle by yourself what two people created. People have to remember that yes, two are one blah, blah.. Bump that.

I say that two people are two individuals that come together to be individuals together. People get so caught up in the media image of what is supposed to be, so of course people don’t see the tears and disagreements behind closed doors. Everybody has those; how you get through and resolve is what counts. But if you’re in an abusive or toxic relationship, ain’t none of that going on. More than likely someone is trying to out do, over power, jealous of, etc of their spouse. But AS AN INDIVIDUAL some people have no learned or cultivated the skill of communication; so they can’t possibly speak to you about what they may want help with, or what the problem is. Hell they have to even recognize their own crap in the first place; which is the root of most problems. People don’t learn themselves. Nobody has everything figured out; but to continue to grow is key. If you can’t think, someone doesn’t let you be yourself with your own friends and life, then leave. Its not healthy. A relationship is not ownership. Its two people who want to be themselves ( if they know who they know who they are) together. Simple. That takes the stress off. You’re not living your life FOR anybody else. Even your children.

If you cannot progress in a relationship, while dealing with parents, in a job; let it go. I promise you, your energy will change and the RIGHT stuff you need in your life will draw to you. Love yo’ brown self like nobody else will. Because no one can do it better than YOU. Reserve that right to protect yourself, your energy, keep your anxiety soothed, mind clear; PUT UP THAT FORCE FIELD!! Get thee behind me ol angry with yoself looking somebody. If you think about it too much, might mean some changes have to be made. Handle that, yo. L.Y.B.S

Check yoself, foo!

I gotta keep it real with this post. I honestly don’t know where to start but I have a few{ or a lot) of things to say.

Aight, so boom. Check yoself, foo is the title, right?  Wanna know what I’m talkin’ bout? Here it goes. Sometimes we stand in the way of our own progress. We essentially stand in our own way. We are the hinderers of our own growth.(Now, to be clear, I’m not equating this to monetary, or career wise; being a brown blog and all, goes without saying, but ijs) People don’t realize the power of words and thought influence, towards THEMSELVES. You can’t complain about stuff and not take steps to improve your situation.  You have to want change for it to happen. This can go for your career; can’t complain about your job and not spruce up your resume’ and get back out there, or quit, collect unemployment and start your own business or something. Anything can work if you make it! Your job won’t get any better. Matter fact, you might just manifest trouble and make things worse for yourself. Unhappiness and wallowing doesn’t carry great energy. This can also be applied to relationships.Why complain about a relationship and stay in it? It takes two and communication and understanding that while you’re “one”, you’re still an individual in a relationship with another individual. Make ya’ll individualism work together. If someone cheats, leaves, or abusive then leave them there.

Do not complain about the fire you started, or just decide to continue to burn in. When a spouse is abusive, or abandons the home, I’ve been asked “Why?!” Why did they do this, what did I do, how could they leave, how can they move on, how could they hurt me, how do I go on, how do I get closure, on and on, etc, etc.

Well there’s only a few ways to answer these questions, and they’re not all pretty; least not the way I put it. For starters, start asking yourself questions. Why do you care so much? What will change if they come back? Why do you want the person that didn’t care of your feelings in the first place, to come back in the first place? Why give that person rent free space in your head for you to worry about them and their moves while they’re sleep? Slap yourself awake!

Stop wallowing in what you consider your failure. More than likely, majority of the fault lies with them. Why? Because communication is all that’s needed to fix or wash your hand of a situation; for either parties. For an abusive relationship, they’re wrong for even wanting to deal with you in the first place; they’re not right in the head to be “loving” someone. It’s ok that you didn’t see the signs. As long as you get out and stay away. Forgive yourself. Give yourself the right to heal and move on. And don’t even worry about closure. Because what I learned is that you will more than likely leave more confused or still unfulfilled. They can still lie. And I say still because all of this wouldn’t be happening in the first place had there been transparency.

The point is don’t ask the why questions with expectancy of a real honest answer from the party in the situation. Ask YOURSELF and answer them YOURSELF. Be transparent with yourself. That’s how we get in half these situationships in the first place. Gotsta keep it real with yourself. At all times.

Growth is painful. But guess what. Just like a paper cut, burn, bump , or whatever; it hurts at first, but after applying pressure, ointment, KEEPING YOURSELF BUSY WITH LIFE, you forget about whatever it is that ails you for a little while, here and there, and before you know it, its healed up! Do what u have to do to be your best you. Shed your old skin. Die daily. Cultivate you. You wont even be that same person that was in that relationship. And you will have a testimony to help someone else with. do it for you and yours. somebody loves you. And you love you too. L.O.Y.B.S

 

Do It For You!

Omg ya’ll! i bought some make up today!! Like actual contour, and foundation and all that jazz! Now it might not seem like a big thing for most of you, but to know me, is to be happy for me. Because I am not a mua or a make up connoisseur . I have an artistic side, but my hands all over the place with it. But as a grown woman, I have always wanted to dabble in it, and I have with mascara, eyebrows, and even eyelashes! (not too shabby, might I add). But never the whole shabang. And I am excited! But the other thing is the fact that I spent the money on it, and the feeling after. I’m cheap; to an extent.  But I will spend money QUICK on food, or electronics or some b.s. Isn’t that problematic as hell!? On a normal scale, no. On a personal level, yes!

On a personal level, its a problem because I feel i shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt hold myself back from investing in myself to do something that may very well become a hobby or something I really end up enjoy doing and may be good at. Who knows where it can go. And that can apply to anything, with anybody!

I am a strong advocate in using what you have; talents, resources, imagination, etc. I’ve made money throughout the years by just cooking, and baking, hustling candy bags. The need was there and I love to be able to be the one to provide a need and take care of myself at the same time. I didn’t worry about if it will work or not I JUST DID IT. I applied some tonight, and after approval of someone a more expert than me, I will have my conclusion, learn tips, better shades, get new eye shadow, and get used to a different face once I beat it; used to freak myself out altering my face with makeup, but it always looks good!

I consider this my self care, my spoons, my reserve. You MUST have some YOU in reserve. I tell my friends all the time and have to remind myself, if you dont take care of you, you cant take care of anybody else. I get so caught up with trying to keep up with the bills, and kids growing, the car maintenance, and wallowing in depression ( especially during the winter time) that I literally feel guilty to do something for myself, nevermind a piece of chocolate or something. Does that count. Kind of; in between time. But it doesn’t fully refuel you. And today I feel like I stepped my toe out the box with something so simple. I mean I literally waited YEARS to get to this point: TO PICK AND PURCHASE.

And I’m damn proud of myself. I felt like I made a huge personal step. Its small. But it will lead to other things. And most importantly, it mattered to ME. That’s what counts. When you know you give so much, and you know it can’t be reciprocated( for whatever reason, although not always necessary), you have to take care of you. You’re the only one that can do it best and you have to start; how can someone contribute if you don’t? The reserve will dry up quickly, with a refill from someone else. You need your juice. And you have to know how because there will come a time where you are the only one that can rejuvenate you. And you have to practice; not just mentally. And everything doesn’t have to cost money. Just keep busy.

Stay thirsty my friends. Refill.Keep going.