Do It For You!

Omg ya’ll! i bought some make up today!! Like actual contour, and foundation and all that jazz! Now it might not seem like a big thing for most of you, but to know me, is to be happy for me. Because I am not a mua or a make up connoisseur . I have an artistic side, but my hands all over the place with it. But as a grown woman, I have always wanted to dabble in it, and I have with mascara, eyebrows, and even eyelashes! (not too shabby, might I add). But never the whole shabang. And I am excited! But the other thing is the fact that I spent the money on it, and the feeling after. I’m cheap; to an extent.  But I will spend money QUICK on food, or electronics or some b.s. Isn’t that problematic as hell!? On a normal scale, no. On a personal level, yes!

On a personal level, its a problem because I feel i shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt hold myself back from investing in myself to do something that may very well become a hobby or something I really end up enjoy doing and may be good at. Who knows where it can go. And that can apply to anything, with anybody!

I am a strong advocate in using what you have; talents, resources, imagination, etc. I’ve made money throughout the years by just cooking, and baking, hustling candy bags. The need was there and I love to be able to be the one to provide a need and take care of myself at the same time. I didn’t worry about if it will work or not I JUST DID IT. I applied some tonight, and after approval of someone a more expert than me, I will have my conclusion, learn tips, better shades, get new eye shadow, and get used to a different face once I beat it; used to freak myself out altering my face with makeup, but it always looks good!

I consider this my self care, my spoons, my reserve. You MUST have some YOU in reserve. I tell my friends all the time and have to remind myself, if you dont take care of you, you cant take care of anybody else. I get so caught up with trying to keep up with the bills, and kids growing, the car maintenance, and wallowing in depression ( especially during the winter time) that I literally feel guilty to do something for myself, nevermind a piece of chocolate or something. Does that count. Kind of; in between time. But it doesn’t fully refuel you. And today I feel like I stepped my toe out the box with something so simple. I mean I literally waited YEARS to get to this point: TO PICK AND PURCHASE.

And I’m damn proud of myself. I felt like I made a huge personal step. Its small. But it will lead to other things. And most importantly, it mattered to ME. That’s what counts. When you know you give so much, and you know it can’t be reciprocated( for whatever reason, although not always necessary), you have to take care of you. You’re the only one that can do it best and you have to start; how can someone contribute if you don’t? The reserve will dry up quickly, with a refill from someone else. You need your juice. And you have to know how because there will come a time where you are the only one that can rejuvenate you. And you have to practice; not just mentally. And everything doesn’t have to cost money. Just keep busy.

Stay thirsty my friends. Refill.Keep going.


Be at peace with your role

I was thinking about relationships this past week. My own personal past relationships, others’, the break ups, how we get together,etc. I’ve had my own in love moments and slight obsessions. But I was thinking about my I guess most recent relationship. The break up wasn’t how I wanted, and those details don’t matter really, because it was something impending I believe; however I’d rather it ended differently.  Whatever.


Anyway, I still dealt with him on and off, and the last conversation consisted of him telling me he had a girlfriend. Immediately, a rush of emotions came about. Because in my mind, how dare he all of a sudden to get balls to tell ME  of all people,  that he has a girlfriend like he wants to be faithful or something, but that didn’t stop the show when you cheated on me! Then tell me I missed my chance, motherfucker no I didn’t!  And besides, I wasn’t trying to get back with him, I just wanted to fuck. But, I said some things, he said some things, I let it go, I calmed down, and reminded myself of how we had a good run, but he wasn’t right for me anyhow. The city we lived was not right for me. He, in saying I missed my chance, showed me he really didn’t learn shit. If he did, he could have something different; still dismissive, but not THAT insinuation, oh no.  Remembering my terrible my anxiety, and emotions were at that time, reminded me as well.


And I began to relax. Sometimes I have to go through certain emotions, but i always come around to checking myself, self therapy if you will. I can talk myself through just about anything. You have to give yourself closure sometimes. You can’t bank everything will go the way you think it will in your playbook. Learning yourself helps with the process. You have to know your triggers, be honest about how you act, your emotions must be stable, learn to switch up using your heart and mind. you cant just use one all the time. They must be balanced in use.


I learned how to get over and still maintain my dignity ( kinda, lol).

I learned my role. I figured since I grew up and matured since and while being with him, he had to; and he had talked about it. It just didn’t go how I thought it would. And that’s ok. That’s a door God wanted closed. And I’m ok with that. My role was to grow and flourish into a better woman and also to help him grow as well. I wished him luck on his new ventures. I know there is someone out there for me. I may have many suitors, but one Knight in shining Armour. I don’t know who he is, or when he will come, and I’m not worried about it. I love me, and my kids and myself are all I need.


Peace and Blessings




Good lord, stress can be painful, cant it? That headache that came out of nowhere… you find yourself taking a deep breath because you were holding it…noticing the corners of your shoulders reach your earlobes.

Anxiety, stress, can weigh on your body and life, in many ways.

  • Your body can’t digest like it should. You cant defecate as you should. Your blood pressure can be effected.
  • You cant enjoy life socially, with family, coworkers and friends. Stress levels and worry increases. It can effect your esteem. It effects how you deal talk ,respond and react to people.
  • It effects how you think, whether positively or negatively. You can’t think with a clear mind when your mind is not in survival mode. Or just a state of keeping your head above water. Some people give up and just sink to the bottom. Don’t do that!

Stress can be a big domino effect if you don’t take control and learn YOU. Once you learn YOU, you can better know how to handle yourself and make sure it doesn’t get out of control. Because lets be honest, sometimes you get health traits that are hereditary, so you want to know what is what. Sometimes its difficult to get family history, so know your highs and lows, so you can maintain or switch something up. Spice up your life! Get comfortable with yourself! Know your body. Stop and do deep breathes as often as needed to make sure you relax and get through your day. ONE( cuz I have many) of my life motto’s is SHIT HAPPENS! Once you adapt this simple philosophy, and learn to have more than one plan in life for anything, you will live. Trust me. Its better to remember ” Hey, I can make a phone call and reschedule that” or ” you know what, I tried my best, I’m not gonna trip” , than to freak out, causing unnecessary chaos because YOUR head isnt screwed on, so everything and everybody has to suffer. Sit yo unbalanced tail down and stop and think logically, and get out ya feelings, and figure out the key points and handle what you can accordingly. THATS IT.

Everything else will fall into place. You have to get yourself ready to be able to handle and receive any and everything. JUST BE PREPARED. You cant calculate or control anything but yourself. Once you get the hang of that, everything else is a fart in the wind. DONT STRESS! Do what you have to do to get a handle on things. Medicine, therapy, running, boxing, whatever you have to do to gain emotional balance in your life. You cannot operate at your FULL capacity without it! Wanna know how I know ? BECAUSE IVE BEEN THERE.  All over the place, don’t know why you do or say certain things. You have to have balance. That allows you to pick your battles. Know when to respond, and when not to. How to react. Learn to expect things. You can read situations and people, better. You’ll have a clearer mind, faster assessment of everything. Handle yourself! Take care of you!

Peace and Love!

Finding your purpose

I struggled with starting this particular blog. My mind ran with different thought, out-of-order; til I told myself just start typing, let you flow through. And that, I also realized, is the beginning of knowing yourself; finding your purpose. For one you have to know what your soul needs and craves. you have to be ready to be able to handle the unknown, which for me can be terrifying, and anxiety filled. But I have personally trained myself to configure myself to get through tough times. Preceding times prepare me for future times. Whatever they may be. I’ve, as I like to put it, become somewhat of a professional poor person lol The title doesn’t bother me. It is what it is. I’ve dealt with homelessness, abusinve relationships, stupid mistakes I’ve had money; in my eyes.  Ive changed and grown tremendously. Continue reading “Finding your purpose”